I’ve lost my mojo. The instinct to go for the kill is gone. I was out on friday night, on the dancefloor, and men were approaching me, and i just couldn’t do it. i lacked the energy to be friendly and cute and bewitching. It’s always the same, and i just can’t do it. When someone would come over to me i’d think to myself:

‘ok, you’re mildly attractive to me, and im apparently of some interest to you given the stares you think i haven’t seen you directing at me for the last few songs. you give me the eyes, ill give you the eyes, you’ll saunter over, pretending that you’ve just inadvertently danced your way over to me so as not to embarrass yourself if i reject you. you’ll come close to me, maybe even make contact with your arm or  back, catching my attention without having to actually contribute anything. you’ll make the eyes again, i’ll make the eyes again. you’ll lean in and say something as an excuse to test if i’ll let you come near me. if i don’t, you’ll skulk away. but i do, so you back up for a few seconds, then descend on me. we’ll dance for a little bit, then you’ll lean in again. this time, you know you’re allowed in my space, but you’re testing the waters again, pushing your luck. you’ll make some comment that requires a response from me, to see if i’ll lean back into you, maybe ask for my name at this point, even though we both know you won’t remember it. then you’ll oh-so-subtly tilt your head so that our lips are parallel, and you’ll say something else, most likely some kind of double entendre or compliment. i’ll smile at it, and you’re in. game over, bud. congratu-fucking-lations.‘

thats the game, and i play it well. but friday night, the thought of it made me sick. so i spent an hr and a half alone on the dance floor while my friend was wrapped up in some other guy in the corner, fending off the series of men that tried the moves. the more i rejected, the more started laying the moves. it was repugnant, and i ended up begging another friend to leave the club he was at to come and wingman for me, protecting me from the string of potential admirers. As much as this isn’t entirely surprising to me, that i tired of all the shit, it raises the question:

what the hell am i supposed to do for fun now?

“Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale.”
- William Shakespeare

Later Haters,

Love Neeva
xx

I spose it’s a Jeckyll and Hyde situation. Here i am, normal Dr Jeckyll, just doing my thing, an average night out. Then alcohol comes into the mix, and a challenge from an also-inebriated friend, and heyo, let’s welcome Ms Hyde, with a drink in her hand and ready to prove that she can get whatever she wants, and whatever she doesn’t want, but is told she wouldn’t be able to get.

 As it turns out, i have completely given myself over to Hyde, indulging my every whim and desire. As fun as it sounds, and believe me, there have been some very good times, its starting to feel like less of a choice and more of a compulsion. I go out upwards of twice a week, meet men, fuck with their heads, get drunk, smoke too much, then head home and waste the next day sleeping it off and on the phone with friends trying in vain to remember details of the conversations we had and the atrocities we took part in the previous night. It’s fun at first, but when you’re doing it without even really deciding you want to, and what most people consider to be special occasion behaviour becomes a routine that you just pass through the motions of, it starts to feel hollow, you know?

getting ready
going out
taking photos
men
smoking
dancing
home.

It’s superficial, there’s no doubt about it. But when all you do is indulge the superficial, its inevitable that eventually that’s all you’re capable of. A point is reached where you’re no longer able to go any deeper than that. And i’m teetering dangerously close to that point. I go out, get hit on, have extended conversations with friends about how hot we all are, pretend to mack on my female friends to piss off the men that hit on us, say things i shouldn’t to people i shouldn’t, and indulge in a lifestyle that is excessive and ultimately detrimental to me.

What’s worse is that i’m neglecting my legitimate responsibilities in order to satiate my need to act like a fucker. I don’t go to classes, i don’t practice or do assignments, i just sleep all week and party all weekend. But it almost feels natural now. And that concerns me greatly. Yea, i’m doing this to run from things that are too difficult for me to deal with right now, but the long term consequences are going to hit me in only a matter of time, and i’m not sure i’ll be able to charm my way out of this one. And the consequences are going to hit me in other areas than just school, i’m getting constant phone calls from guys who want to see me again because i was so charming and lovely and so very into them at the time, and i’m running into people i’ve met, and i can’t remember how many people i’ve kissed in the last month, and my mind is running slower than it used to due to perpetual sleep deprivation and borderline alcoholism. The effects of my lifestyle are starting to catch up with me, but i feel like i’m too deep in now to get out of it, so what can i do other than just go for the ride?

“Use, do not abuse; neither abstinence nor excess ever renders man happy.”
- Voltaire

Later Haters,

Love Neeva
xx

I feel like nothing is in my control anymore, and the things that affect me the most are being handled by other people, and i’ve always been a big believer in keeping my own shit under control, so understandably this new trend does not sit well with me. And because so much is just going crazy and out of my hands, the things that i can control don’t feel like they matter anymore. Which is a bad thing, because they do matter, and i’m neglecting them, much to my peril.

The worst is when you think you have control over a situation, and it turns out that you’re wrong. I recently entered into a privacy agreement with a friend, and i kept my end of the bargain, only to find out that they did not, and that the incident we agreed to keep between ourselves had become twisted on its travels through the gossip chains, and that now i look like quite the idiot.

Not impressed.

The problem is that i have lost control in so many situations, and i have no idea how to go about getting it back. Sure, i’ve hatched a plan to make the aforementioned blabber mouth regret screwing me over, but in a larger sense, i feel like i’m flailing, but that there’s nothing i can really do to rectify my inability to fix things. I’m like a turtle that fell on it’s back. I know things aren’t meant to be like this, but righting myself is an impossibility.

“I have such envy, for the stranger lying next to me,
 who awakes in the night, and slips out into the pre-dawn light,
 with no words, a clean escape, no promises or messes made,
 and chalks it all up to mistake, mistake, mistake’”
Pity & Fear – Death Cab For Cutie

Later Haters!

Love Neeva
xx

Its an intense feeling, simultaneously unnerving and exhilarating. Especially for those of us who find most of the people we come into contact with simply incapable of keeping up. When you catch someone who not only sees you for what you are, but can keep up, and even outdo you, there’s no denying the appeal there. The only problem is, when you’re the kind of person who fucks with people, and you meet someone who is impervious to your bullshit, and you aren’t to theirs, you can feel like you’ve been robbed of your power. And that kind of vulnerability does not sit well with people who fuck people around for fun.

I’ve got to ask though, what’s better – meeting your match, your equal, or meeting the person who is your complete opposite, the other half of the whole? what’s more satisfying?

I suppose it comes to how self-centred you are. If you love yourself that much, you would of course want someone who is you in another. So little effort required if you already know them, because they’ve got a whole lot of you present in them. However, finding your opposite, the person who isn’t your match, but who has the things you don’t bring to the table, could be exciting in a whole other way. Hmm…

I recently met someone who’s just like me, and all we do is fuck each other around, and it’s fun in a way that i’m not accustomed to. When a fucker meets a fucker, alot of fun can be had, because we’re both on our toes, trying to outdo the other. I like to think that i won the last round, but i could just be flattering myself. Its unusual for me to not be sure if i’ve won, because usually i don’t have a competitor, and this kind of stimulation is really enjoyable. Minds out of the gutter please. Having said that, i have someone who is the total opposite of me, and the feeling that i get from them is satisfying as well, not in the exciting way that the person who’s similar, but in a comfortable way. We settle well together, whereas the similar person and i never settle, we’re constantly mucking each other around. At the end of the day though, what’s better?

“Be careful what you wish for coz you just might get it.”
- Pussycat Dolls, “When I Grow Up”

I stand by my chosen quote, get over it. I wished for something different and challenging, and i got it. Let’s see how this plays out, shall we?

Later Haters!

Love Neeva
xx

I’m the kind of person that likes to compartmentalise. I keep all my rings in one box, and all my notes are seperated by subject. All the pics in my computer are sorted based on year and, as of this year, by date, and my books are shelved based on how often I read them. I don’t like it when things get jumbled up. Everything has it’s place, and when i don’t know where something belongs, or if that something belongs in 2 places, i get confused and pissed off.

I do the same thing with people. When i meet them, i class them. Not in like, a racist way or anything. But just in terms of whether they’ll be long term or short term fun. Lately, I’ve noticed more and more people go straight to the short term fun pile. Not even in a sexual way, its just that i talk to someone for one night, and then if i see them again, that initial sheen is gone, and i lose interest. Even more so if i do actually do something with them. Seeing them after, and in another light to the one in which i met them, throws me off balance a bit, so i distance myself. I don’t think alcohol really helps with this, because when i meet someone after they’ve been drinking, i’m much more susceptible to their charms, and much less likely to think they’re as phenomenal the next time i see them, when i’m sober and they’re not as much fun anymore.

Getting from the first time with all the fun, to the longer term friendships with people is the hard part for me. You’re one or the other when i meet you, and it goes against the grain for me to try and push someone from one group to the other.

“Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never.”
- Charles Caleb Colton

Later Haters!

Love Neeva
xx

I also feel internally different, deeper than just on the superficial level. I feel more…… brooding, maybe? Darker. Not in a crazy way. I’m not sure, how to phrase it, but i just don’t feel like the hyper-chatty, over-the-top highschool girl that i was 12 months ago. I’ve become jaded with all the crap, and so it manifests itself in me being this manipulative girl, who can turn on the charm to get what she wants, but then doesn’t want it anymore, and ruins it on purpose. I look back at all my recent, ‘conquests’ i guess you could say, and it’s all the same. There’s nothing about them that would really hold me, only the fact that they want me keeps my interest.

I’m so narcissistic sometimes it makes my stomach turn.

“Nothing makes one so vain as being told one is a sinner. Conscience makes egotists of us all.”
- Oscar Wilde

Later Haters!

Love Neeva
xx

Last night i was asked to just stop with the games.
Not likely.

Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good one.
- Woody Allen

Later haters,

Love Neeva
xx

I’m perversely intrigued by the idea that you could have a way of finding out what your worst fear is.  As terrifying as it would be to experience the one thing that terrifies you most in the world, wouldn’t it be liberating to know what it was? Just to get that deeper understanding of the depths of your mind? Apparently, all fear stems from the unknown, so wouldn’t knowing what your deepest phobia is lighten the load a bit?

The limitations of the human pysche fascinate me so much. They say that humans never get even close to realising the full capacity of their minds…… i think it would be the most intense experience you could possibly have to reach the limit of what your mind can take. It would probably break you, but just to know the fullness of what your brain is capable of would be the most amazing experience you could possibly have. That’s what i think. Just to satisfy that curiosity, to know exactly what your limitations were, exactly what in the infinite you could reach. Because as much as humans can do when they’re in the normals perils and stresses of the world, i can’t even begin to imagine what we would find if we were pushed as far as we could actually go. We’re running on 10% of our brains now, just imagine if we were running on 100%, all guns blazing.

“A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice.”
- Edgar Watson Howe

Later Haters,

Love Neeva
xx

I really hate flip-floppers. Having said that, i do it myself constantly. I think that consistency is an aquired skill and I’m envious of a person who never wavers on their decisions. Obviously I can make some decisions without panic and terror, the easy ones where its an either/or situation and i just have to pick something, those i can do. I find though, that the more options i have, the more likely i am to flipflop, and when it comes to decisions involving other people i’m extremely hesitant, because once my choice is made, things are out of my hands, you know? And as much as not being able to make a choice renders me powerless, the idea that i’m at the hands of someone else’s decisions makes me more nervous.

My usual response to my own flipflopping results in me sticking with what i know. For example, when i’m getting ready to go out, i usually resort to straightening my hair coz i know it looks good that way, rather than doing anything else. I’ll try on a whole bunch of outfits, but resort back to my usual dress and black pumps combo because i know it works from most angles, and i’ll usually go for heavy black eyeliner rather than something that might run during the night and leave me looking like a fool. Team with black, purple or blue nail polish and some jewellery, and i’m good to go. Always the same. This is one of those instances where being spoiled for choice panicks me. Sure i have a heap of other things i could wear, ways i could do my hair and makeup, but when given too much choice, i just chicken out and go with what i know best. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

So yea, decisions where you’re spoiled for choice are tricky enough. But even harder than these are ones where your decision involves people around you. If your choice makes you vulnerable its even more difficult to see what the right choice is, similarly to if your choices impact people you care about. These kind of choices i avoid with every fibre of my being. I was watching batman begins, and liam neeson said ‘men fear most what they cannot see’, and i think that’s so true. The reason these decisions are so tricky is because once i’ve made my choice, i can’t see or influence whats going to happen. When someone else holds all the cards, and you’re at their whim, it’s a scary feeling.

I don’t like to surrender my power to anyone. But the problem with other people is, if you put off your choice long enough, they’ll make their own, and you’re powerless anyway. So what’s better, choosing to put yourself at someone else’s mercy, or not choosing at all, and having it happen regardless?

“Solitude scares me. It makes me think about love, death, and war. I need distraction from anxious, black thoughts.”
- Brigitte Bardot

Later Haters!

Love Neeva
xx

I’ve decided to take a break from whinging about the crappy situations i have forced myself into through my actions of late, and instead, this post will be outletting some of my realisations of late. As per usual, it is centred around myself. Don’t act so shocked.  

• I hate lil wayne. And 2 minute noodles.
• If literally the only thing i had in the world was Robert Pattinson, i would be completely satisfied. And i realise how creepy that sounds, believe me i do.
• I’m like a junkie when it comes to……certain things. I get like, antsy without them.
• The first time i saw twilight, i loved it, perfection, unimprovable. Second time, i thought it was mediocre at best. Third time, i loved it again. Weird, huh?
• You’ve got to live hard. You just have to.
• I’d still buy Vanity Fair if it was just ads. They’re beautiful.
• Jacob Black isn’t as crappy as i initially thought. And New Moon is actually pretty great, despite the obvious flaw in the plot, and that that it doesn’t feature as many agonizingly detailed descriptions of how perfect Edward is. Most people hated that in the books, but i loved it. She didn’t do it enough.
• The music in the OC is flawless. Absolutely flawless.
• I feel like Britney Spears is a personal friend and her success makes me really happy. Through it all, i never lost faith, and when people insult her, i tell them to get fucked. I just wanna call her up and be like ‘hey girl, congratulations on the comeback. You’re phenomenal. ‘
• I love making lists.
• I’ve become more vain in the last two months than i can bear to contemplate. One of my versions of a perfect day consists of getting up in the early afternoon with good skin, doing my nails, taking a long shower, doing my hair then makeup to perfection, finding a perfect outfit, then going out and meticulously photodocumenting me and my friends’ movements for that night. I’m just being honest. You all would love that too.
• I’m super super clumsy.
• I resent heat. Cold weather, scarves, hot coffee and boots rank amongst my favourite things.
• I don’t like to eat while walking around or on public transport, my school forbid it because it was not ladylike behaviour and i’ve just never been able to since.
• I’m a sucker for a boy with a wicked smile and a car. It’s alarming.   
• I get really really obsessed with things, but it bothers me when i come into contact with other people who share my obsession.
• I live for really depressing, heartbreaking music. Most people would only listen to my favourite music just after a bad breakup.
• I think people who wear heaps of bangles and wristbands and stuff are cool.
• I’m fairly confident i have the greatest dvd collection of all time and i’m not even exaggerating.
• I love the lyrics to most fall out boy songs, but would never quote them because they’re fall out boy.
• A good 40% of my time alone is spent rocking out. Like, in the mirror, miming along to songs, dancing around my house, sometimes harmonising songs as i sing along to them. Whatevz.
• I have giant lips. And i’m contrite by nature. If you’re wrong, i delight in letting you know.
• I won’t leave my house without eyeliner on.
• I love love LOVE accessories with animals on them. Rings, necklaces, bags, i don’t care.
• I think its insanely cool that your pupils change size. So cool. Actually, all the mad things the nature does fascinate me. I watch tonnes of animal planet and discovery channel and stuff, and its just amazing. Evolution is riveting. Even in twilight, how she made the vampires evolve to be biologically superior to humans blew me away. i love all that stuff. The fight-or-flight response for example, or the superhuman strength mothers get when their children are in danger, the idea that that nature can just take over when our free will can’t handle things. Predator and prey and all that jazz. SO AWESOME.
• They say that guys think with their crotches, but i think girls are just as bad. Worse maybe.

Ok so i think that’s it for now.

I don’t like people who take drugs. Customs officials, for example.
- Mick Miller

Later Haters!

Love Neeva
xx